Who are your friends?

Are your friends women, or men, or both? Do you believe (sorry, When Harry Met Sally alert) that men and women can't ever really be friends because the sex thing always gets in the way?

Can you be truly just friends even when the sex thing is a below-the-surface frisson? Is there always a frisson?

I've always unconsciously approached men as these beings that I have to get approval from. Even the men I don't like I treat this way. (Why yes, those are my father issues showing. Thanks, Dad!) The flip side of this is that historically my relationships with women ~sucked~ because I treated them as expendable. Yes, I need validation from that Neanderthal on the sofa with his hand down his trousers, but I'm blowing off my girlfriends.

In the past few months, I've become friends with a couple of guys who, for a variety of reasons are not boyfriend material. Well, I would consider them boyfriend material, I mean they're ~worthy~ of the title, but for several complications there isn't even a remote chance of anything happening. Not that I want anything to happen.

I'm not explaining myself very well.

What I mean is that normally these are men I would be interested in. They clean up well, they're smart and funny. And tall, now that I think of it. In the past, I probably would have found a way to sexualize my relationship with either of them. But I'm not doing that. There are outside reasons for that, but a big reason is a shift in my thinking combined with those natural restraints.

And it's been interesting, to actually know these guys, and consider them friends, but to also know that I'm not investing time in them so they'll approve of me or to make them like me or whatever. It's also interesting because I don't know how to do it, exactly. I'm at this point where we feel like genuine friends, and it kind of freaks me out. I mean, it's good and all, but it makes me laugh that there isn't going to be drama, most likely. We'll just continue on as we are. Being friends. And that's good. Novel, but good.

Or am I just kidding myself and the sex thing is already out there but I'm controlling myself better than I used to?

Comments

[Tiger Lamb Girl]

Don't tie yourself up in knots.

I have men friends. Men I've never slept with or snogged with - or in any way sexualised the relationship.

So, no - I don't buy the Harry Met Sally line.

It basically boils down to the person. Maybe that's the way you dealt with men before. And now? You're finding how to navigate relationships in a different way.

Feels good, huh;). Especially not to be giving up a part of yourself to something that would end up with loadsa drama.

[Cape Cod Kitty]

What a great subject and question...I have a number of good women friends, although I need to re-evaluate that as my closest women friends are now not so available to me as they have moved out of state. E-mail is great but not enough....working on establishing new women friends.
I, too, was always caught up in that "needing the approval of men" thing and wanting to feel the sexual connection. Several years ago a really great and interesting guy came to work at my company. We liked each other immediately and went to plays together and movies, walks, etc. I was single, as was he, and for some reason I just decided to keep it friends and I am so glad I did. He has turned out to be the most loving and caring friend, he married a year ago and I am thrilled for him and really like his wife. We call each other like girlfriends and check on the others well-being. It is such a treasure but it was not without effort on my part to turn off the old actions I had around men and just realize the value of the friendship.
Also, I have LM in my life because we were friends first....just caring about each others'lives.
I tell both my daughters and my DIL often that the most important thing they do in life is to build strong friendships.