A helping hand

Do you find it easy to accept, or (even worse) ask for help?

I don't. I have no problem offering assistance, big or small, and would happily inconvenience myself to help someone else without a second thought.

And usually, I don't need help. Which I've always thought of as a good thing. But lately I'm beginning to understand that ~receiving~ help is a crucial lesson in the threads that bind us together.

The other night the Wee One asked me what 'community' meant, and we talked about our circle of friends at school and church, and our neighbors and the checker at the grocery store ... and I realized that since the divorce I've not been isolating myself, at least not in the same ways.

So. Help. Since the HH and I split up, everything's been OK, but there is a much finer edge. And since the sister moved to Portland, that bit of a safety net is even more porous.

I'm in this weird position of really wanting to find my place in my new community, but to do that I need help. (This is the part where it sounds stupid, even to me.) Every now and then there are little events -- get-togethers or dinners or what have you, and I want to go but to go would mean getting a babysitter, and getting a babysitter is out of the budget right now.

In the past, I think I would have said nothing beyond 'Sorry, can't make it!' But now I'm in this weird position of being more open about why I can't make it, but also feeling very awkward about it and like maybe I'm washing my dirty linen in public.

So. There's a thing this week, and I really want to go. We're all 'replying all' about who will be there, and I say "I'd love to go, but I've got the Wee One, hope to see you at Event This Weekend We'll All Be At Where We're Bringing Kids." Within a few minutes one of the circle e-mails me that I should drop the Wee One at her house with her kids and we can attend event together.

The normal part of me feels like 'Oh, that's so nice of her, I'd love to do that, how kind." and the completely screwed-up part of me feels like screaming 'WE DON'T NEED YOUR CHARITY!" while I adjust my hairshirt.

I know, it's crazy. I'm pretty sure that I should feel grateful and lucky to have such kind friends, to have the chance to be a part of a community where we do rely on one another, even for such small things. That being put in this complicated financial situation is God's way of showing me that I don't have to be alone, that there's more than husbands and lovers and drama, there are friends and acquaintances and other people who are part of my everyday, part of my community.

Comments

[Tiger Lamb Girl]

Someone told me, not that many years ago - that I needed to learn how to receive graciously. I was great at giving, but sucked at receiving. They pointed out that everytime I refused, turned down or avoided receiving? I was taking away someone else's gift of giving. That hit me in the gut. Hard.

I've learned to go with the flow a little more easily, since then;). xo