Islay Girl

NaBloPoMo, Day 30

I know I skipped some days, but I did much better this year than last year.

OK, so back to important things. Like boys. Tonight the SG asked me what kind of stuff I post on my blog, and before I could think to say something innocuous like 'book reviews' or 'shopping ideas.' I said, 'ummmmm,' and then followed up that brilliant statement with, 'Don't worry, I always disguise distinguishing characteristics.'

Yeah, I know. Really inspires confidence in his new long-distance girlfriend, doesn't it?

The SG is coming out here next weekend. He's booked a ticket. We've discussed our plans (movies, Chinese, Other Things We Don't Actually Discuss But Are Clearly Thinking About).

I need to get over my Short Issues. Fast. Because, really, I like everything about him so far, and that keeps getting in the way of my Happy. I want this to be a good thing, and I feel so freaking petty when I consider the Short. Because without the Short? I don't think I've adequately explained what a good fit we are otherwise. (Well, from 2,000 miles away, anyway.) I would probably be unable to form sentences around him if he were 6'4".

I feel not a little like I did in junior high (not just because of the short, although that was an issue there, as well, with all the girls getting tall before the boys did, etc.). I'm fine on the phone, but just the thought of being with him in person makes me feel like I want to run from the room to avoid physical contact.

Given that this has happened with everyone since the LL (the Pompous and the Recoiling Kiss, the Marine and the Sweating Avoiding Kiss), I think that the LL experience is part of the problem. When you consider that with the HH the sex was a nightmare, and then with the LL all we had was this chemical attraction, I clearly don't know what to do with normal. Help. I do not want to fuck this up.

***and another thing***

I think Katie Holmes is getting taller. And looking scarier every day.

Just.Too.Cute.

Blackbird didn't tag me

But that's ok because she doesn't like to tag.

What kind of soap is in your bathtub right now?
Johnson & Johnson shea butter wash for the Wee One. Trader Joe's citrus wash in my shower for me.

Do you have any watermelon in your refrigerator?
Nope. Apples and oranges.

What would you change about your living room?
Other than replacing the carpet with hardwood?

Are the dishes in your dishwasher clean or dirty?
Clean. But I accidentally selected TURBO HIGH HEAT WASH and I have my good china in there. Sigh. I'm afraid to open the door.

What is in your fridge?
T'giving leftovers that are too far gone to eat, but I haven't gotten around to tossing.

White or wheat bread?
I like wheat, but the Wee One will only eat white. So I get the kind with the hidden whole grains.

What is on top of your refrigerator?
An enormous bread bowl from the 30s. I love it, but it always lives on the fridge because it's too big to fit in a cupboard. It holds the cookie cutters.

What color or design is on your shower curtain?
Mine is just beige, the Wee One's is a white and navy blue calico.

How many plants are in your home?
No real ones. I have a shriveled thumb.

Is your bed made right now?
No.

Comet or Soft Scrub?
Soft Scrub.

Is your closet organized?
Yes. At least, comparatively.

Can you describe your flashlight?
It's a huge MagLite. I only use it for examining sore throats.

Do you drink out of glass or plastic most of the time at home?
Aluminum. I'm always drinking diet Coke. Glass otherwise.

Do you have iced tea made in a pitcher right now?
Never. The HH does that.

If you have a garage, is it cluttered?
Just a carport. If it was enclosed it would be cluttered. My storage locker is semi-organized, only because it's so small.

Curtains or blinds?
I prefer curtains, but have plantation shutters in some rooms to keep the sun out.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
Three under my head, Six or seven on the bed. Unless you count the dogs, then it would be eight or nine.

Do you sleep with any lights on at night?
We have night lights in the living room, bedroom and baths.

How often do you vacuum?
Not enough.

Standard toothbrush or electric?
Just regular.

What color is your toothbrush?
Pink.

Do you have a welcome mat on your front porch?
Yes. It's this cheesy crossword puzzle design that says 'welcome' in several languages.

What is in your oven right now?
Nothing but some burnt-on apple pie overflow.

Is there anything under your bed?
A better question would be 'What isn't under your bed?' Mostly extra linens and fabric in space bags.

Chore you hate doing the most?
All of them.

What retro items are in your home?
Depends what qualifies as retro. Probably my Fisher-Price toys from the early 70s that the Wee One likes to play with.

Do you have a separate room that you use as an office?
Yes.

How many mirrors are in your home?
No idea. Five?

What color are your walls?
The previous owner painted the kitchen in white and pink cafe stripes. Most of the rest of the house is pink (it's kind of a beigey pink, not full-on ballet Barbie), but I've painted the Wee One's bathroom and my bedroom (cafe au lait). I'm waiting to paint the rest until I'm sure what I want. It may be 2015 by then.

Do you keep any kind of protection weapons in your home?
Three attack Scotties. Really, only one of them would attack, and she could probably be pawned off with a well-placed MilkBone.

What does your home smell like right now?
The heat being on for the first time and the cinnamon pine cone turkey Wee One made at school.

Favorite candle scent?
Cinnamon or vanilla.

What kind of pickles (if any) are in your refrigerator right now?
I have a huge bottle of dill spears from Costco, but they've never been opened and I've been meaning to toss them because they're 2 years old.

What color is your favorite Bible?
My favorite prayer book is blue.

Ever been on your roof?
Nope. Only near it to clean the gutters.

Do you own a stereo?
Nope, just an iPod speaker thing.

How many TVs do you have?
Two.

How many house phones?
None. We're all cell.

Do you have a housekeeper?
I used to. And I miss her every time I mop the kitchen floor and feel like it's still not clean when I'm finished.

What style do you decorate in?
In theory, country French/British chintz. In reality, mish-mash.

Do you like solid colors in furniture or prints?
I love prints but I buy solid.

Is there a smoke detector in your home?
At least three.

In case of fire, what are the items in your house which you’d grab if you only could make one quick trip?
Wee One, dogs, laptop and photos. And if I were super-strong, the box of journals I've kept since I was 7.

Things I need to do.

This week has gotten away from me. And what's sad is that it's only Wednesday. I have three more days of this week, which I'm sure will allow it to get even more away from me. So if you see Islay's Week running down the street, stop it, OK?

So, bear with me while I share my to-do list.

1. Buy dog food. I've been meaning to do this since the day before Thanksgiving when I realized with satisfaction that I wouldn't need to go to Petsmart the day before Thanksgiving. Tonight, i have 2 pieces of kibble for 3 dogs' breakfasts. (Dog's breakfast! Get it!?)

2. Go to Costco. I've been boycotting Costco since the quality seems to have gone down, and they sell more and more things that are too close to expiration dates for me to stock up. But. They have the eight-pack of Rosarita refried beans so necessary to keep my little burrito-lover happy. And maybe I need to buy some cheap alcohol.

3. Finish the Christmas decorating. The Wee One got me to put up the tree early, so now I have four rubbermaid tubs in the foyer with the rest of the Christmas crappe waiting to be draped, hung and garlanded.

4. Tomorrow is the memorial service for my friend. I am (fortunately) going to therapy in the morning, followed by a Helping Grieving Children seminar, followed by the service. Honestly? I'm kind of looking forward to the opportunity to sit there and cry into my hankie instead of having to be strong in front of the Wee One and at work.

5. Go to Target and buy bubble bath. Because someone is out of her Johnson & Johnson shea butter wash.

6. Run the dishwasher.

7. Eat a proper meal.

8. Take stuff to Goodwill before it overtakes my house.

I'm really glad I'm working from home tomorrow.

Distractions.

It's been such a weird time. I went into this week utterly exhausted from all the stuff of the past few weeks, and then we had our sad news, and I'm simultaneously very happy about things with the Southern Gentleman.

It feels very schizophrenic, to be so delighted about one thing and so, so sad about another. I'll catch myself feeling happy about the SG and immediately feel guilty when I think of my friend's daughters. I know those feelings are just a snapshot of the human experience, and that trying not to feel happy about the SG would be just as wrong as trying not to feel sad about my friend.

This week has made me feel much older. More seasoned. It's as if I'm too tired to hide how I feel about anything, and that hasn't been a bad thing.

How do you explain 'soul' to a 5-year-old?

I know we're supposed to keep death simple for the small set. Clear, simple, unfettered by fluffy language.

I tried that. Her little friend's mother is dead. She has not gone to Jesus, been taken, lost or anything else.

And yes, when you are dead your eyes are closed. But we believe in Heaven, so we say she is in Heaven. But that makes the funeral awfully confusing (not that the Wee One will be in attendance). Her body is here, but what makes her her is with God. Yes, explaining the essence of being to a 5-year-old.

She saved me, though, by completely losing interest. At school today all the mommies were standing around crying and trying not to let the kids see it. But I think the kids are in full self-protection mode and know that whatever is going on, they don't want to know.

Thank you, everyone, for the kind notes and e-mails, it's helped.

Angels

This has been, if not a good Thanksgiving, certainly one I won't forget.

From the trip to Chicago, followed closely by the Wee One's birthday, then back to the coup at work, then the excitement of the romance with the Southern Gentleman, to Thanksgiving and the dysfunction ... well, it all fades into the woodwork.

I got a call this morning with the news that one of my friends was killed in an accident over the holiday. We're probably more acquaintances than friends, really, since we just met a couple of months ago. I almost feel guilty feeling sad, if that makes any sense, because I almost feel like it's self-indulgent to mourn someone I don't know that well. Like it's somehow detracting from the grief of her family and closer friends. And when I see that written down, I see that it's silly.

In the short time I've known her, she always struck me as such a gentle, old soul. She is bright, and funny, and a wonderful mom to her two young daughters.

That's the hardest thing to think about, of course. My biggest fear after that of something happening to the Wee One is that something will happen to me and I won't be here to care for her. Every time my thoughts start to wander to the place of those two little ones not having their mother around, I mentally do an about-face.

These little girls who never had to worry about anything more important than hairbows or dolls now have to say goodbye to a mother who was with them for far too short a time. It's just unendurable, and yet it will be endured, and they'll have to go on and it just breaks my heart. Mothers aren't supposed to die.

Spaaaaaah *Update*

Went for a massage with Special K today. We relaxed and talked about our respective boyfriends. Well, her boyfriend, my ... I don't know. Cross-country phone friend?

We are suffering the usual family drama. I'll write more later when I don't feel like I have food up to my eyeballs.

***Later***

Oooooh-kayyyyy. i think I like NON family Thanksgivings better. This was a train wreck. A train wreck with a hurricane and an oil spill thrown in. All I need now is for one of the dogs to die. (Bea, don't you dare.)

Usually we just have typical family dysfunction, but this Thanksgiving earned us our Ordinary People Award for WASP Family Issues.

1. Mother/Father separation more apparent than ever.
2. Father leaves town this morning without saying goodbye to anyone, thereby
3. Pissing off Sister Who Didn't Want To Be Here Anyway, followed by
4. Mother going into hiding without adequate explanation and
5. Wee One behaving like a lunatic because of all the attention and ambient tension

Did I mention I hosted Thanksgiving this year? Never again.

I've been keeping myself from getting embroiled in the family crap by thinking about the situation with the Southern Gentleman. I really like him. I'm kind of alarmed at how much I like him.

I have an issue with short, but that seems more shallow than usual in light of all the other things that are just right about him. Almost like I'm looking for excuses for it not to work. (No! Really?)

Of course, I say all this after knowing him for less than two weeks, with only three days of that time together. But you know, stranger things have happened.

So now we have to figure out how to see one another. He lives in Virginia. I live in Arizona. I have a 5-year-old. He has a demanding job. My finances would not allow me to travel much. But we agree that if we're going to give it a go, we shouldn't wait. We were talking last night about meeting when he gets back from his business trip, maybe somewhere in the middle, but honestly, I don't know how that would work.

He's offered to come here, but I kind of want to meet on neutral territory. And even if he comes here, it's not like I won't have the Wee One ... but at least it would be easier to figure out sitters.

And I'd feel awkward making him come out here and then not letting him stay with me. Which I shouldn't feel awkward about, but I do. Have any of you out there negotiated long-distance BEGINNINGS of relationships?

I'm not sure I'm ready for this.

So. Things moving along with the Southern Gentleman. Today we talked a couple of times, and agreed to see eachother again, sometime soon.

Part of me, very excited. Part of me, completely terrified and freaked out and uncertain. Which is appropriate, I suppose.

We talked for an hour and a half tonight, and half an hour earlier in the day. We covered all the past relationship ground, or at least acknowledged it. I made myself ask awkward questions, which is a first. But i also laughed so hard my cheeks hurt.

Honestly, it's very nice. I just feel so comfortable with him when we're talking, and it's kind of bizarre how many times we finish each others' sentences. It kind of reminds me of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry was dating the female version of himself.

What I like the most is that our cultural reference points are nearly identical (which is what happens when you're nearly the same age) but we grew up in very different parts of the country -- me all New Englandy and him in North South Carolina. But there were a least five times tonight when we made the same connection at the same time, and while I suppose that could get old, there are enough things that we can't possibly have the same perspective on (he is, after all, A Southern White Male) that it's still interesting.

And of course, I've known him for all of a week and a half, so this is just scratching the surface. But this feels much different (and much better) than anything else has in a while.

Thankful.

Wishing you and yours a happy, safe Thanksgiving.