Islay Girl

Photo negative.

OK, first of all, Happy Hallowe'en, yeah, whatever.

Now. Back to me. Two things:

One, I've been thinking a lot about eyeliner lately. My everyday makeup looks like this:

But I'd like to be able to pull this off:

Not on a daily basis of course. Even for special occasions I can't imagine actually getting that amount of eyeliner on without looking like this:

or this:

And also? I've been fantasizing about going back to school for graphic design. Yeah, that's a great idea, 15 years into my editing career.

Oh, and in case you're wondering

Not only am i over the LL (who? you mean that man who is dead to me?) , but i have been having occasional, healthy thoughts about an occasional, heathy relationship.

Return of the Worst Mother in the World

OK, can i say, for the record, that last week, during all the drama with the Wee One? I was a model of parenting perfection. I was concerned, proactive, supportive.

Then there was today.

I continue to be concerned, proactive, supportive during the drama.

But today after school when I was very tired from a long stupid day at work wearing 3-inch heels I knew better than to wear on a Monday, followed by two hours at the Wee One's school, held hostage in the art room when all i had committed to was 30 minutes, and we finally left the school, she backchatted and I yelled.

And then we made up and promptly fought again 10 minutes later. Lather, rinse, repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Why is it that her bad days always coincide with mine?

I sat with her for three hours in bed, and instead of falling asleep, she bounced off the walls, until i threatened and got mad and turned off the lights (step 1). I then closed the door (step 2). I reopened the door (more threats). I let her cry herself to sleep. It was probably what she needed, who knows why she was so wound up, but she sure wasn't winding down any other way.

But still. I hate that.

It's the Anti-IslayGirl

I'm kicking ass and taking names.

Well, actually, no.

What's really happening is that all the still-of-childbearing-years women in our department (three, at last count) are on the same cycle, and thus have had very little patience for the b.s. of the Situation.

So today? When I got screwed over ON DEADLINE by one of our senior staff? I consulted my boss (who is one of the aforementioned SOCY women) and sent an e-mail outlining how her behavior was unacceptable. And then I told my VP, too.

Normally? I would have just moved on and ignored it. But Miss Senior Staff? She did not count on me having the week i had, when i said to my boss, "You know, I'm done with just rolling over." And she said, "You know, you're right."

I may regret it on Monday, but you know, I don't think I will.

Lest I be carried away on a magic carpet of theological bliss.

Nightmare day because of the Ongoing Situation At Work.

Complicated by my need to stay home today so I could go to the doctor to finally address the sinus infection that I've been saying will go away on its own. For nearly a month. I'm staunchly anti-antibiotics in most cases, so I've been kind of staggering on, and I really waited too long, as the sinus infection seems to have moved into my brain, because i got lost on the way to the doctor this morning. The doctor I've been going to see for more than four years. And I'm just generally not thinking clearly at all.

The good news is that the Wee One's Problem seems to be very much on the mend. Yay. And I got antibiotics at the doc today, which means I, too, soon will be on the mend.

The bad news is that certain people who i thought had been beaten into submission regarding the Situation took advantage of my illness to try and stage a counter-coup today. And because I have a staff composed mainly of invertebrates, I was trying to spin damage control from my bed.

The benefits of prayer are seeming far away. But I didn't really think the Situation was completely resolved anyway. What happened today just brings me back to some of the questions I've been struggling with regarding where I should be working and what I should be considering for my future.

So I'm looking at today as something that will make sense in the greater scheme of life, and when I look back in six months I won't be pissed off, I'll just say, "Ah, ha! That's what was going on, that led to that other thing, which led to the next."

Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I've been thinking a lot about prayer lately. I have been reading Absolute Truths by Susan Howatch, and in the book one of the characters, one of the characters who is not a member of the Church of England clergy (for those of you not familiar with the series, it centers around the Church of England and the relationships and connections among a group of clergy members. Which sounds horrifically dry. It's not.)

Anyway. OK, back to the point. So this character, who has been questioning and cynical throughout the series, keeps a journal about prayer and a prayer group she started.

So I'm reading the book, and thinking, gosh, isn't that great, how she develops this extremely interesting relationship with God and prayer and finds a peace and greater understanding of the world around her. I'm very interested in Christian mysticism and this just fed that and I found myself thinking (as i often do), gosh, i wish i had time for contemplation.

I grew up in a very strict, fundamentalist Baptist household. It wasn't for me. I became Episcopalian in college, and it is for me. A lot of what didn't work for me was the whole overemotional, oh-so-public, oversimplified, Jesus as Your Personal Savior kind of thing.

So what's amusing to me now is that, on paper, Christian mysticism sounds very similar to that extremely cringe-making religious upbringing, in that it advocates a direct, constant connection between an individual and God. But honestly, this is completely different. there are no polyester-clad evangelists, etc. etc.

But again, I digress.

So I finish the book. I'm thinking about prayer, and honestly, I've never been big on prayer. (See: childhood.) I'm thinking about the themes of the book, and things working together for good, and about prayer. And another theme, of God using us even when we feel we are at our weakest (and perhaps especially when we are at our weakest)(I think there's a poem by T.E. Brown about that). And about the human condition and prayer. And about getting outside of my own head and prayer. And about praying for people, other than my needs and wants and concerns.

So. I pray. I pray about the Wee One and the difficult time she's been having with some things, and I've been so terribly worried about her and if she's OK and if she'll be OK and if I should be doing more. And I prayed about a situation at work, and I prayed for the people I can't stand.

And then I fell asleep.

And then today i was standing in line at AJ's waiting to buy pastries for a meeting about the situation at work, and I was late, and i was thinking about the meeting, and the people I can't stand. And speaking of people I can't stand, I look up at the counter, and in the mirror behind the counter I can see behind me one of the mommies from the Wee One's school.

I do not like this woman. So I look away and go back to thinking about the situation and the meeting and the Wee One. And then, kind of randomly, I think about the woman and how she probably doesn't like me either, and how funny it would be if i had completely read her wrong, and maybe she wasn't the beastie I thought she was.

You see where this is going. Before I know it, the Woman has tapped me on the shoulder, and we start chatting a little, and before I know it, I've told her about the Wee One's current difficulties, and she says her daughter went through the same thing. And it's hard, but it'll be OK.

And then she left.

And then she came back into the store, and said some more very nice things.

And I felt much better.

And on the Situation/Meeting/People front, there has been significant movement, after months of nothing but frustration.

And then later, someone I never speak with inquired after the Wee One. This person is a retired elementary school teacher. I said she was doing fine. He dug a little deeper and I gave him the 5-second synopsis of what has been going on, and he was very reassuring. I felt yet better.

All very interesting.

And I don't believe in pray-for-what-you-want-act-good-and-God-gives-it-to-you, I'm just saying that I've been whinging and whining about how I want to be able to find the transcendent in everyday life, and maybe God's hitting me over the head. What with the book and the woman and the other people, things are working together for good.

I am SO not worthy

Look what I got today from Maddy.

Oooh! Excitement! What a pretty package!

So pretty. Everything. Just. So. Pretty.

Even the dogs thought so.

And all this loveliness made me feel particularly bad that my half of the swap? She is sitting here:

But in my defense, it's because I'm waiting for this to start, so I can find goodies related to it. (She mentioned her boys like American baseball, and as a Red Sox fan, it is my duty to give those boys every advantage. We need Australian fans.)

Maddy, I cannot thank you enough. I am so excited to look through everything, and the scotties have the place of honor on the Scottie Shelf:

So now what?

I've been thinking a lot about the Next Thing. What happens next? I've had this year of recovery and getting my bearings and taking stock.

And now? I'm bored. Bored stiff.

So. I'm casting about. And my thoughts are turning to Chicago. I've been trying NOT to think of Chicago. But it's been coming up. Unexpectedly. Thing is, it's not coming up in any concrete way. No job offers. No one knocking on my door here begging to buy my house (though thankfully, my neighborhood isn't suffering the real estate downturn like some are). The Wee One happily installed in her school.

But I present for your consideration:

1. The Lake House. This stupid, sappy movie keeps showing up when I'm watching TV. It has some of the best scenes of the North Shore and downtown Chicago, in some of the best times of year.

2. The Devil in the White City. Not that this is any reason to run back to Chicago, a story about a psychopath murdering women and children during the World's Fair at the end of the 19th century, but still. Lots of talk about lots of stuff that's familiar (the Chicago part -- the murder part, not so much).

3. I have to go to Chicago for a seminar-conference-fellowship sort of thing. Part of me is really hoping I come back with a job offer.

4. The company that's holding the seminar-conference-fellowship sort of thing is headed up by a man who was my mentor in grad school. This selfsame company is also hiring for a position. A position for which I am qualified.

5. My hometown paper just put this out. It made me very homesick.

6. While looking through the classifieds of the paper, I discovered that the apartment I lived in when I first moved to Evanston is up for rent:

Evanston -HISTORIC LANDMARK building, 3 bedrooms, 1 bath, W/Living room W/decorative FP, Parlor, Dining room, master bedroom W/2 smaller bedrooms, newer kitchen W/dishwasher, small porch off kitchen, Pantry, Hardwood floors & Carpet, GFA furnace, Large open attic, Laundry, 2 blocks from lake, Easy street parking $1,400.00/Mo, Available 11/1

Of course, when I rented it, it was $825 a month. But that ~was~ in 1993.

So is it the universe aligning, or is it me seeking some sort of order from chaos?

Sigh.

I was talking with Cher the other night about how a place becomes "home" whether you like it or not. When I first moved to Chicago, I was not terribly enamoured. I always loved Evanston, but The City of Big Shoulders left me cold. The Midwest in general left me cold. (Very cold, with the Arctic gale come January, but that's another story.)

But now, even almost five years later, I still feel this sense of overriding homesickness. I still read the local paper (not the Tribune, the little town paper) every week. What's really bizarre is that I've only been back once since we moved.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking for something to latch on to.

Tell me you like shoes, too.

I've been watching Tell Me You Love Me. It's like a car crash and i spend the whole time with my hands over my eyes, peeking through my fingers. Can you stand to watch it?

The only thing i love love love about it is the cameos.

Every 5 minutes it's some supporting actor I haven't seen in years, and not just b-list, really good actors. It's like when you find a pair of $500 Taryn Rose peep-toe wedges for $40 among the Easy Spirit mom shoes at the Last Chance. Like I did on Saturday.

Job hunting.

I am ~blindingly~ bored at my current job.

There are many, many things to recommend the position, and I'm not slamming any of those, but my little grey cells? They are shriveling.

One of my friends (ok, my therapist) says that's why they call it work, but I'm about to start climbing the walls.

I want to work with smart people again. I've been reading All Too Human, by George Stephanopoulos, and it's a little overweening, pretty much what you'd expect from the wunderkind of the Clinton Administration, but it's also a stark reminder of how interesting things can be when a bunch of clever people get together.

I've been thinking about teaching again, though it's a little late to have anything other than an adjunct position.

I'd love something in policy or at a think-tank, but something tells me getting one of those jobs is rather like wanting to be the Queen of England, you don't just wander in and get a tiara.